When I introduce myself to new people, 9 times out of 10 I have to repeat myself. If someone makes me repeat myself more than 2 or 3 times, I usually say, "Addie. Subtractie...get it?" If they are smart, they do. If they are not, sign language for addition and subtraction usually does the trick.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Still BFFs :)

Patrick had to work during the day last Wednesday. Becky was so nice to watch Gracie for us. Here's a video of the girls re-united after their longest hiatus! Looks like they missed each other :P

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Gracie's 1st Haircut!

This morning Patrick came over to the house to hang with Gracie for a bit. We got to talking about Gracie's wild hair and decided it was about time for a trim. On a whim, we headed to the kids' salon right then.

Well...the trim turned into a full blown hair massacre!

Before - pouting at auntie Meghan's wedding. She didn't want to put that dress on!

Not a fan of this at all...

Okay, maybe this isn't so bad after all!

My girl looking supa dupa fly

I'm thinking she's looking pretty sassy and adorable, however, I was hoping her bangs would stay long (it took SO long for those damn things to grow! All that tugging on the ends and sweet talking them to pleasefortheloveofgodgrow! gone to waste in a matter of seconds. Sniff) It was a fun experience for all 3 of us, but just a teensy part of me feels sick about losing those wispy mullety curls. Especially when I look at this picture:

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Never Never Land

Its hard to believe we only have one more year to spend at the Cape. September 30, 2011 we will hand the keys over to our neighbor two houses down. I get short of breath and sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Growing up I never appreciated how special this place is. I kind of thought everyone had their own "Cape house". As I got older, I slowly realized how far from the truth that was. This place is one of a kind. It wasn't until this last trip, however, that I really fully appreciated everything this house means - not just to myself and my special memories here, but for everyone in my family that has been a part in making our history here. The house has been in our family for about 70 years. My great-grandparents bought the house when my grandma Laura and her siblings were young. They, like the generations after them, grew up coming to the Cape for the summer every year of their childhood. We (as a family) have spent a lifetime creating traditions and memories that are as fond to me as any other part of my childhood. Its a place that no matter how old you become, the minute you pull down that gravel driveway, you're right back to being a kid.

This trip everyone has been reminiscing pretty hard. It was amazing how similar the stories shared were to each other. The funny things that stick with us. The smell of the house. Riding to little pier in the back of the station wagon eating fluff sandwiches...or sometimes just standing on the bumper and holding on (how things have changed!), scrambling to get a game of wiffle ball on the rare occasions the wind died down

portuguese muffins for breakfast, getting yelled at for dragging the beach in, neverending card games, making dribble castles with my dad

the time Jean Carlo pooped in the living room, Nammy's amazing blackberry cobbler, intense tennis matches, swimming at night just to see the phosphorous, catching jelly fish at little pier, the outdoor shower, jumping off the dock at big pier, playing hyp at big beach, the inlet, the QEIII, the Jade, not being allowed on the back porch during the old folks cocktail hour, countless walks around the island

Nammy's gorgeous rose garden, Carlos' bonfires which inevitably lead to trouble...but most importantly - hanging out in that damn kitchen we all love so much. There is always something going on in the kitchen. My family can sit in there for hours just shooting the shit, making dinner, playing cards etc. Its the go-to place. I think more than all the other memories, hanging out in the kitchen is tied with the beautiful yard in what I will miss the most.

20ish years later - still in the kitchen

Its hard to imagine anybody else in this house. I can't help but feel somewhat betrayed that it is sold. But it really had to be done. More on that later. And hopefully I can dig up some old photos and get them on here!

So grateful I could share this special place with my girl.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

It is better to be alone than to wish you were

Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing if everyone practiced being alone? When I make time for it, I absolutely love spending time with myself. There is nothing that can replace the solitude that comes from just being you...with you and only you. For whatever reason though, when I'm faced with the opportunity to be alone, I almost always choose to spend time with my friends and family instead. And by almost always...I mean damn near always.

The weekends are my only chance to do what I repeatedly say I'd like to do: go hiking by myself. Its been on my to do list for way too long now. And every Sunday evening I sit and think to myself, shit! I did it again! I spent pretty much every freaking waking minute talking and hanging out with my friends or my mom. Part of the reason that happens is I spend my entire week with humans that come up to my waist. Who follow me around all day asking me over and over "what doing? what doing? whats that? I want juice! I don't like it! I want milk!" I love these little tots, but the conversations only go so far, you see. When I have the chance to be around people more my size, I can't resist. I soak up my adult time like its going out of style.

But wait! Helloooo Addie, you are an ADULT, too!

Hanging out with myself qualifies as adult time as well. What I'm in desperate need of is some quiet time. I'm counting on the fall for that

And hey, last Saturday night I took a bus by myself. I hung out with myself for an entire HOUR! And the next morning on the way home! Nevermind I was going to a friend's house, its a start!

Thursday, July 29, 2010


This was posted to PostSecret this past Sunday. I laughed out loud because I've always worried the same thing!!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Happy 2nd Gracie Mae

Gracelyn - you are my love, my inspiration, my home. Thank you for giving me 2 beautiful years as your mama...and here's to many more!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Happy Birthday Luka!

For about a little over a year, Gracie & I have spent nearly half of our weeks with little Lu. She is ten days older than Gracie and is going to be TWO in a couple of days! Gracie & Lu both have VERY vibrant personalities and enjoy so many of the same things. While the kids have been napping this afternoon, I went through all the pictures I have of the girls together, reflecting on how much they have changed in the last year. Even though they have grown so much and are capable of doing so much more than they were a year ago, there are some things that never change:
(click on the collages if you want to see them a little bigger)

Summer fun

Reading books...or tearing apart the room with books!

Tubby time!

Baby slumber parties

Being goofs

Luka belle - we love you so much! Thanks for all the laughs and love, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Note to self: Drinking vodka while blogging may cause one to purchase photo packages one does not really need.

Think it was worth it?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The luckiest girl

I grew up always wishing I was closer with my aunts & uncles. There were about 20 grandchildren and I think that contributed to the relationships not growing stronger. There are definitely aunts and uncles I feel closer to, but that makes me sad...that I don't know all of my aunts and uncles very well. For this reason, when I see my daughter with her uncles & aunties it just makes my heart melt. For now, she is the only grandbaby. I feel like this is a precious time for Gracie and them to bond. Not that I don't want to be an Auntie, too! I can't wait for that day...but still, this is just such a cool time.

Uncle Thad (or Uncle Pooh)

Auntie Lindsey

Uncle Jack

Uncle Justin

Tata Jackie with brother Bear

And even though these relationships will probably turn out to be more like cousins, can't leave these adorable faces out:
Gracie with her Uncle Ben

Uncle Sam & Auntie Amy

Last, but definitely not least, if her Uncle Brian was still with us, I know we'd have the greatest picture to join the others. From what I've been told, he probably would have spoiled her the best!

So here's a big shout-out thank you to all of Gracie's aunts and uncles. You guys do such a wonderful job loving her up. She adores each and every one of you. I am so grateful for it.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Read this

Monday, June 14, 2010

I've been wanting to post something new for awhile. I have about a dozen funny stories that keep circulating in my mind, that I still intend on getting to...but for some reason the inspiration to write has been absent. Now, I find myself unable to sleep. I intended on being asleep a few hours ago, but my mind just won't shut down. So I apologize in advance if this is just weird. I'm tired. Thats my disclaimer in case I come across as a bit of a nutcase and end up just ranting about :P Hoping getting all of this business off my mind and into writing will help get me centered and able to sleep. Its been a very weird weekend. But, starting Friday and continuing until now I've felt a little off.

This is the hard part. Don't really know how to say what I need to. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my brain is all over the place...duh. So I will just blurt it out and hope it makes sense.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost a lot of the time. I so desperately want to be a good mom and raise my daughter well, not just to the best of my ability. Better. Super awesomelly...yeah not a word. Don't care. Basically, I just wanna fucking rock this whole momshitbusiness. Not saying I don't expect mistakes to be made. That would just be ridiculous. I want mistakes. I want to learn and become better. Most the time, I am confident in that children are resilient, and that if I love her, care for her and do my best - she will be just fine. And I'm sure that is the case. But from time to time, this gut-wrenching fear sets in. I turn into a paranoid obsessive freakazoid about it. My fear is making mistakes over and again and not ever getting this (life) shit figured out. There are those people you meet throughout your life that radiate an inner calm. They have their fair share of shit, everybody does. But generally speaking, things seem to work out for them. And then there are the other people who just never seem to figure IT out. You know you know those people... I do NOT want to be that person. Life is just so bloody complicated though! When all we have is today, its all we really know - how can you see whats right in front of your face and know that what you are doing. right now. is the right choice? Oy, having a kid changes everything. I no longer feel like I have all the time in the world to figure it out. Because I don't.

I worry that I can't keep up with who I am becoming. Or who I am supposed to be. Its a tough job being a young 20something mom. Now I'm a young20somethingsingle mom. 90% of the time, I feel pretty settled and comfy with that role. But there are days, such as today, when I go, wait what? wtf am I supposed to do?

I guess I'm just in this weird place right now where I'm looking around at my life, and feeling a bit...ok a lotta bit unproductive. I don't feel like I'm doing enough...but I don't have a freaking clue where to turn. Soooooo I do nothing. Lazy and lame is what that is. When I talk to my friends about these concerns, I get a lot of positive affirmations, examples: "You're doing great! You're a mom, Addie. That's enough...for now!" or "You'll get around to it, don't worry". And while there may be truth to some of the things I hear, and I am totally not trying to sound ungrateful for their support... I don't want people to sugarcoat it for me. I guess I kinda want someone to kick my ass - okay maybe just smack me upside the head and say something along the lines of, "Yeah? I hear ya dumbass. You should probably get on that. Fucking DO something already!" Suppose the point is for ME to be that someone.

I take comfort in knowing this OHSHIT!YIKES! feeling will pass. This beautiful smiling little face reassures me that everything is going to turn out alright.

And sometimes maybe all you need is some delicious homemade pudding to cheer ya up.

just reviewed this whole thing...not 100% sure I wanna publish this thing. Eh whatever.

Oh and btw, as I was typing this a Pandora ad came on with holophonic sound of what I think was a woman screaming and scared the living SHIT out of me!! I'm sitting in the dark with no glasses right now meaning I can't see anything but the screen in front of me. Or hear anything but Pandora because I'm wearing headphones. For a few seconds, I literally jumped, eyes bugged out and pathetically jerked around to see whoever this girl no avail. I don't believe I've ever heard holophonic sound with headphones on. Wiki that shit if you don't know what I'm talking about. And try it in a blacked out room. Tripledogdare you to not jerk or twitch with the direction of the sound.

Phew. That was fun. Ready for bed!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Baby love

It seems like they are always in on some private joke!

Kissing in the rain.

These two are going to make Jackie & I the most adorable grandbabies EVER. Or they will end up being replacement siblings for one another. Either way, I'm okay with it.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Here Goes...

Some refer to breakups as "starting over" or "moving on" or as a "fresh start". I guess I may have felt this way about past breakups. But not this time. Nothing feels fresh. I don't want to start over, nor could I if I wanted to. Don't know if I have the right words to express how it feels. So I'll just say half of me feels like a complete idiot, like I missed out on some big secret that happy couples are privy to. This same half feels as if there has been a death. And I guess in some ways there has been. Our future together died. The siblings we planned on giving to Gracie. Gone. The house we talked of building. All those Sunday mornings waking up together as a family. Gone. Instead we'll spend our free time shuffling our beautiful daughter back and forth between our 2 homes. For now, I'll be waking up alone on Sunday mornings. Fucking sucks.

But there is another half. Patrick and I were miserable together. And that sucked, too. No one wants to live in a miserable home. As much as we loved each other, we could NOT figure it out. Could not get to a better place. We would go places as a family, and something always felt off. Like all the other families around us knew something we didn't. Relationships are such a mystery to me.

Fortunately, something Patrick and I have always had is communication and friendship. I'm optimistic about the future we have together in raising our daughter. We've both experienced the painful divorce process before with our own parents. Long conversations have been had about those experiences and how we can learn from our parents' mistakes. One way of doing that was our decision to NOT fight to the end. Not being married made this a whole lot easier, and somewhere deep down I sometimes have doubt and guilt over not trying harder. But we have both witnessed the "fight to the end". I won't speak for him here, but witnessing that has left an opinion (jaded or not) that resonates with me. Fighting to the end means just that. Fighting TO the end. I refuse. I know deep in my heart that I love Patrick. Love him deeply and will always be unwaveringly grateful for everything that he has brought into my life. For being such a wonderful daddy. For being the best man in my life, which he still is to this day. I expect that to change at some point down the road, but it would never change how I feel about Pat. Fighting to the end RUINS all of these good feelings. The happy memories. The respect you have for one another. The friendship. I know in my heart that I am not good for Patrick. We are simply not right for each other as partners in life. I am not willing to "stick it out" until one day one of us snaps. To stay with him, knowing this, knowing he feels the same way, would only be living a lie. So much more suffering would have to be endured until that day came. More children could be born in that time. I want my daughter to have happy memories of her childhood. I want Patrick to be happy. I want to be happy.

So here's to whatever this life holds for us in the future. We are still a family.

We still love each other and care deeply for one another. We just look different now to the outside world. A broken home? No. We were broken before. And we still are I guess, but we won't always be. So I'm excited about that. Scared shitless, too, however it makes it so much less scary knowing that I still have a friendship with Patrick. I am so grateful we have made the decision to separate together and are in whatever this no man's land is together.

Pat, I love you.

I'm incredibly sad that this is the way things have turned out. I know its not what we ever expected or wished for. I wish we could be the people in the photos again. I miss them. The magic. But that's okay. We'll be okay. Thank you for being you and always giving me the freedom to be who I am. And whoever those people turn out to be in the future, I'll never forget what we had together. Our adventure together has been the most monumental event in my life so far. You're the best man in my life, and I couldn't ask for a better father for our daughter. I wish you all the happiness.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Tempest - Pendulum

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Growing Pains

Used to be my favorite show. When I was about 10. I watched that show over and over again. And again. And again. Its probably safe to say I've seen every episode...multiple times. I single-handedly blame this program for destroying my eyesight. At the time I was watching this show, we had an itty bitty tv down in the basement. I sat directly in front of it every time I watched it. Bad news. Anyway, as a kid, I always thought the meaning of the title was to be taken literally. I never really thought about it again until recently.

Wow. Growing up sucks sometimes. And it hurts. A lot. Its scary. Ugly. But I know its beautiful, too. Without growing up some, I would have never been able to care for my little beauty.

I feel that I've always known this, but now I'm actually experiencing it: growing up never stops. Its a continuous process. Every obstacle thrown at you is another opportunity to grow. Most of the time I think I handle this without too much hullabaloo about it.

Most of the time.

So hullabaloo.

70 Million by Hold Your Horses

70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L'Ogre on Vimeo.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Mt. Si

Yet again, I don't follow my own advice. This is what a person looks like after 3 hours of sleep & a hike up Mount Si:

Sexy, I know.

Mt. Si is a no-shit hike. 8 miles round trip, but so very worth it when you get to the top and have one of the most incredible views of Washington:

Oh and by the way, when we finally had trekked our way out of the hour of snow and ice on the path down, we decided to jog a couple miles down. If you decide to do this, make sure you pee first.

Maybe in a couple weeks when we go again, I'll actually get a good night's rest.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Lake 22 - Mt. Baker

Woke up to beautiful sunshine this past Saturday morning. I was so excited because I had a hike planned with two friends of mine. By the time we got our slow butts to the mountain and half way through the hike, rain started to trickle. 10 minutes later, it was 100% down pouring, we were completely soaked and the rain didn't look like it was going to get any less friendly with us.

If it hadn't been for the attire I chose, the rain wouldn't have bothered me at all. It was a beautiful hike and the lake with the glaciers in the background was breathtaking.

Tip: NEVER ever under any circumstances wear jeans on a hike in Washington state. I knew it was risky wearing them...I just didn't feel like digging through my basement for some of my old windbreaker pants, nor was I willing to wear the lime green ones I found in the closet that are 3 sizes too big. I admire people who choose function over style, even more so after I was trenching around the forest in pants that seemed to weigh 20 pounds. I'm surprised I didn't trip my way off the side of the cliff. The jeans were so wet they were sticking to my legs, restricting the movement of, well everything. I basically rolled the bottoms up and held the fabric at the knee caps up for an hour and half.

Also, don't drink an entire bottle of wine the night before a hike. And remember a change of clothes.

I did none of the above and wore a towel home & crashed the minute we hit the highway. Classy as always.

Also, it is not wise to go drinking & dancing at a country bar immediately upon returning from a 4 hour hike. My back is crippled and I can't carry Gracie on my hip for more than a couple minutes at a time. I'm definitely paying for all that fun!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Two peas in a pod...snug in a staring contest

What is it with little girls and attitudes? Growing up and helping to care for my younger brothers, I knew they could be tough. But they were easily manipulated into agreeing with me. Girls? Whole new ball game.

When Gracie was a newborn, she was so easy peezy pie I thought I'd hit the jack pot. And I had. She was beautiful, had all her fingers and toes. Breastfeeding for the 1st time? No problem. We figured it out together in a snap. Hardly cried, and when she did - it really wasn't so bad. Apart from the blown out goodies and stomach, I was happyPants all over the place. I could go on and on. Happy baby = happy mama. And that's what we were.

And we still are...85% of the time. But right around 13 months, something scary started to happen.

She started to sound like me. Started to react to her dissatisfaction like I do. Basically she has some serious 'TUDE. In the last few weeks a snappy "heeyyy!" with a light slap has entered her vocab. If I am using MY cellphone, she mugs me while yelling "hey!" at me and tries to take it away from me. If she's in my lap and I'm on MY computer, she will swat my hand away from the mouse or keys repeatedly, "hey! top it". Oh poor sweet babe, you may have the attitude. But I do, too. And I'm bigger.

Some might say this is a learned behavior. Some might say its genetics.

I say both. And lord help me. I believe its safe to say we both have strong-willed and dominant personalities. One of the reasons my own mother and I have such a close relationship is because we balance one another in ways we differ. I am definitely the more dominant lass. What happens when mother and daughter are very much alike? Suppose they are both dominant, overbearing, look-at-me-right-now-I-need-your-full-attention type people?

Stay tuned...and until then I will enjoy being bigger than her. Although she seems to be handling me pretty well here:

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Introducing Zorro & Elton John:

Love the resemblance!!