When I introduce myself to new people, 9 times out of 10 I have to repeat myself. If someone makes me repeat myself more than 2 or 3 times, I usually say, "Addie. Subtractie...get it?" If they are smart, they do. If they are not, sign language for addition and subtraction usually does the trick.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Read this

Monday, June 14, 2010

I've been wanting to post something new for awhile. I have about a dozen funny stories that keep circulating in my mind, that I still intend on getting to...but for some reason the inspiration to write has been absent. Now, I find myself unable to sleep. I intended on being asleep a few hours ago, but my mind just won't shut down. So I apologize in advance if this is just weird. I'm tired. Thats my disclaimer in case I come across as a bit of a nutcase and end up just ranting about :P Hoping getting all of this business off my mind and into writing will help get me centered and able to sleep. Its been a very weird weekend. But, starting Friday and continuing until now I've felt a little off.

This is the hard part. Don't really know how to say what I need to. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my brain is all over the place...duh. So I will just blurt it out and hope it makes sense.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost a lot of the time. I so desperately want to be a good mom and raise my daughter well, not just to the best of my ability. Better. Super awesomelly...yeah not a word. Don't care. Basically, I just wanna fucking rock this whole momshitbusiness. Not saying I don't expect mistakes to be made. That would just be ridiculous. I want mistakes. I want to learn and become better. Most the time, I am confident in that children are resilient, and that if I love her, care for her and do my best - she will be just fine. And I'm sure that is the case. But from time to time, this gut-wrenching fear sets in. I turn into a paranoid obsessive freakazoid about it. My fear is making mistakes over and again and not ever getting this (life) shit figured out. There are those people you meet throughout your life that radiate an inner calm. They have their fair share of shit, everybody does. But generally speaking, things seem to work out for them. And then there are the other people who just never seem to figure IT out. You know you know those people... I do NOT want to be that person. Life is just so bloody complicated though! When all we have is today, its all we really know - how can you see whats right in front of your face and know that what you are doing. right now. is the right choice? Oy, having a kid changes everything. I no longer feel like I have all the time in the world to figure it out. Because I don't.

I worry that I can't keep up with who I am becoming. Or who I am supposed to be. Its a tough job being a young 20something mom. Now I'm a young20somethingsingle mom. 90% of the time, I feel pretty settled and comfy with that role. But there are days, such as today, when I go, wait what? wtf am I supposed to do?

I guess I'm just in this weird place right now where I'm looking around at my life, and feeling a bit...ok a lotta bit unproductive. I don't feel like I'm doing enough...but I don't have a freaking clue where to turn. Soooooo I do nothing. Lazy and lame is what that is. When I talk to my friends about these concerns, I get a lot of positive affirmations, examples: "You're doing great! You're a mom, Addie. That's enough...for now!" or "You'll get around to it, don't worry". And while there may be truth to some of the things I hear, and I am totally not trying to sound ungrateful for their support... I don't want people to sugarcoat it for me. I guess I kinda want someone to kick my ass - okay maybe just smack me upside the head and say something along the lines of, "Yeah? I hear ya dumbass. You should probably get on that. Fucking DO something already!" Suppose the point is for ME to be that someone.

I take comfort in knowing this OHSHIT!YIKES! feeling will pass. This beautiful smiling little face reassures me that everything is going to turn out alright.

And sometimes maybe all you need is some delicious homemade pudding to cheer ya up.

just reviewed this whole thing...not 100% sure I wanna publish this thing. Eh whatever.

Oh and btw, as I was typing this a Pandora ad came on with holophonic sound of what I think was a woman screaming and scared the living SHIT out of me!! I'm sitting in the dark with no glasses right now meaning I can't see anything but the screen in front of me. Or hear anything but Pandora because I'm wearing headphones. For a few seconds, I literally jumped, eyes bugged out and pathetically jerked around to see whoever this girl no avail. I don't believe I've ever heard holophonic sound with headphones on. Wiki that shit if you don't know what I'm talking about. And try it in a blacked out room. Tripledogdare you to not jerk or twitch with the direction of the sound.

Phew. That was fun. Ready for bed!