When I introduce myself to new people, 9 times out of 10 I have to repeat myself. If someone makes me repeat myself more than 2 or 3 times, I usually say, "Addie. Subtractie...get it?" If they are smart, they do. If they are not, sign language for addition and subtraction usually does the trick.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Baby love

It seems like they are always in on some private joke!

Kissing in the rain.

These two are going to make Jackie & I the most adorable grandbabies EVER. Or they will end up being replacement siblings for one another. Either way, I'm okay with it.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Here Goes...

Some refer to breakups as "starting over" or "moving on" or as a "fresh start". I guess I may have felt this way about past breakups. But not this time. Nothing feels fresh. I don't want to start over, nor could I if I wanted to. Don't know if I have the right words to express how it feels. So I'll just say half of me feels like a complete idiot, like I missed out on some big secret that happy couples are privy to. This same half feels as if there has been a death. And I guess in some ways there has been. Our future together died. The siblings we planned on giving to Gracie. Gone. The house we talked of building. All those Sunday mornings waking up together as a family. Gone. Instead we'll spend our free time shuffling our beautiful daughter back and forth between our 2 homes. For now, I'll be waking up alone on Sunday mornings. Fucking sucks.

But there is another half. Patrick and I were miserable together. And that sucked, too. No one wants to live in a miserable home. As much as we loved each other, we could NOT figure it out. Could not get to a better place. We would go places as a family, and something always felt off. Like all the other families around us knew something we didn't. Relationships are such a mystery to me.

Fortunately, something Patrick and I have always had is communication and friendship. I'm optimistic about the future we have together in raising our daughter. We've both experienced the painful divorce process before with our own parents. Long conversations have been had about those experiences and how we can learn from our parents' mistakes. One way of doing that was our decision to NOT fight to the end. Not being married made this a whole lot easier, and somewhere deep down I sometimes have doubt and guilt over not trying harder. But we have both witnessed the "fight to the end". I won't speak for him here, but witnessing that has left an opinion (jaded or not) that resonates with me. Fighting to the end means just that. Fighting TO the end. I refuse. I know deep in my heart that I love Patrick. Love him deeply and will always be unwaveringly grateful for everything that he has brought into my life. For being such a wonderful daddy. For being the best man in my life, which he still is to this day. I expect that to change at some point down the road, but it would never change how I feel about Pat. Fighting to the end RUINS all of these good feelings. The happy memories. The respect you have for one another. The friendship. I know in my heart that I am not good for Patrick. We are simply not right for each other as partners in life. I am not willing to "stick it out" until one day one of us snaps. To stay with him, knowing this, knowing he feels the same way, would only be living a lie. So much more suffering would have to be endured until that day came. More children could be born in that time. I want my daughter to have happy memories of her childhood. I want Patrick to be happy. I want to be happy.

So here's to whatever this life holds for us in the future. We are still a family.

We still love each other and care deeply for one another. We just look different now to the outside world. A broken home? No. We were broken before. And we still are I guess, but we won't always be. So I'm excited about that. Scared shitless, too, however it makes it so much less scary knowing that I still have a friendship with Patrick. I am so grateful we have made the decision to separate together and are in whatever this no man's land is together.

Pat, I love you.

I'm incredibly sad that this is the way things have turned out. I know its not what we ever expected or wished for. I wish we could be the people in the photos again. I miss them. The magic. But that's okay. We'll be okay. Thank you for being you and always giving me the freedom to be who I am. And whoever those people turn out to be in the future, I'll never forget what we had together. Our adventure together has been the most monumental event in my life so far. You're the best man in my life, and I couldn't ask for a better father for our daughter. I wish you all the happiness.